I started attending Death Cafés, and the unexpected happened….

Death Café is an international movement that began in its current model in 2011. Over 15,000 events to date in 82 countries have brought people from all walks of life together- in person and virtually- to discuss anything and everything that comes up related to the universal experience of Death (because last I checked the mortality rate is 100%, so none of us are getting out alive). The model asks that facilitators host events free to the public, without an agenda, in a comfortable environment, and ensure that refreshments such as tea and cake are always available to make the experience feel as normally “social” as possible.

I’m an RN, an explorer, and a student of life with extensive experience working with death, dying and all things end of life. I’ve been around Death my entire life and rarely find the ability to connect with others I can freely discuss the topic with. I began seeking out Death Cafes because quite honestly, I could not turn away from the concept. A place to discuss Death with other people and no fear of being misunderstood or making them uncomfortable? AND cake? Genius concept- I was in!

I sought out the in-person events as in the post-pandemic era I have become as Zoom-saturated-averse as present life will allow. Even considering myself highly “Death-literate”, I honestly had no idea what to truly expect as I’d never talked about Death as “normal” with people outside of my hospice and healthcare circles.

I discovered that depending on who is hosting a Death Café (and where), the attendees can vary widely in terms of backgrounds, ages, and interests. In some circles people are concerned with legalities, estate issues, advance directives, and “who is going to take care of my stuff” types of conversation. I found myself in circles of people who felt lonely and worried about how things would all play out in the end (a group largely composed of atheists, humanists, and agnostics). Other circles drew people very directly impacted by the pandemic- direct caregivers and people who had lost loved ones. Many people were still trying to make sense of the impact of the last 3 years. I listened to a young woman in her late 20s talk about how she wanted a huge “life party” while she was still alive rather than a funeral. People talked about losses and grief- but mostly (most interestingly) about LIFE and how being aware of Death makes them more appreciative of (and aware of) LIVING.

What I was not prepared to find at a Death Café was unity. In discussing topics so existential- and HUMAN-I found respect, open-mindedness, and the endangered species formerly known as the ability to exchange ideas in acceptance of each other- even when people disagree. Or are of different religions, races, ages, gender identities, or any other “label” you can conceive of. WOW- who knew that was even possible anymore? Death Cafes offer attendees the opportunity to engage in some of the most interesting conversations on the planet right now- and some of the most needed. Somehow talking about Death makes us more human. We see ourselves as more alike than different.

I started hosting my own Death Cafes monthly in my home community. I was not sure how they would be received, but I was determined to give it a try. Not only is there interest- but there is demand for more. I cap the events at 2 hours and the time literally flies with no shortage of ideas, exchange or organic participation from the group. My job is easy- I mostly listen and learn and simply make sure nobody violates the “golden rule” of don’t be a disrespectful jerk. I simply hold space- the groups always police themselves. If the momentum continues, I’ll need to find a larger meeting space very soon. I’m also working on better cake!

For more information about Death Café, including how to find one and host one, please visit https://deathcafe.com/

About the Author

Lourdes Wiley, MSN, RN

Lourdes has over 20 years of experience in Nursing as a clinician, leader, educator, and consultant. Her career began in critical care and oncology settings with adults and pediatrics. Since 2006 she has served primarily in home health and hospice settings as well as faculty for several Nursing programs in the Denver metro area. Lourdes is passionate about quality end of life care and promoting the health and wellbeing of clinicians and caregivers who are called to this “sacred” work. She is trained as an end-of-life doula and is currently facilitating death cafes and expanding her knowledge and skills in both the medical and non-medical aspects of end of life care.